How Do I Begin Again
by AlsLingo
Summary: She hated this day. She hated the way they looked at her. She hated that people didn't know him.
1. Chapter 1

"I hate this," Veronica whispered clutching his robe, the fabric pressed closely to her cheek that she's not sure she ever wants to let it go. The house, filled with people downstairs, giving their condolences, the pots of food, the casseroles, the stupid people with the stupid fake smiles, the ones that barely looked at either her or Logan before this day. This stupid, stupid day. Those people downstairs, their sympathetic looks, the tearful hugs, their attempts to make her feel comforted. They were all stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid people. Stupid grieving people. Tossing the shoe across the small space, feeling eerily satisfied with the thud it made, she threw another one. If Logan could die, she was gonna throw shoes against the wall. It was only fair.

"Veronica?" The voice was soft as they entered the room. She didn't care that people wanted to see her, she didn't want to see them. She wanted to crawl up into this robe and pretend it was Logan with his arms around her, pretend that the faint touch of the robe was a kiss. The closet door opened slowly revealing Mac, a sympathetic smile on her face. "Hey."

Veronica looked up, knowing that her hair was disheveled, her eyes red and her clothes rumpled now from her sitting underneath all the clothes, she shoved the shoes away to make room for her to sit. It was like she was ten years old again and she was hiding in her closet. Now she was hiding from the people that were there to support her, there to try and make her feel better. She just wanted to scream at them, wanted them to get out of her house. Wanted them to shut up, wanted to remember her husband the way she wanted, and if that meant she was remembering in a closet then she damn well would do it.

"There's room," Veronica said suddenly grabbing more shoes throwing them across the closet to make room for Mac.

"Okay," she nodded with a smile sitting down next to her. Glancing over at her friend, she reached over grabbing her friends hand, holding it tightly. "Nice day, pity it's a day for a funeral."

The laugh escaped fast and loud, embarrassed that she could be laughing the day she buried her husband, her breath caught on a sob and the tears welled in her eyes again, wiping them away she took a deep breath. "If wasn't for my stupid husband this would be a great day."

Mac smiled sadly, knowing that Veronica never thought of Logan like that. But she also knew that Logan would rather have her spitting mad than bawling her eyes out so she didn't say anything. "Yeah, boys are for the birds." Veronica nodded in agreement, tossing another shoe, this one a heel, a pair that Logan bought her because it was a Thursday, and every one should get new shoes on Thursdays he explained. It was kind of funny that those Thursdays happened very few and far between. She didn't mind that so much.

"Mac? Veronica?" The voice was loud and familiar.

"We're in here," Mac called out, the door opened suddenly to find Wallace standing in the doorway. "Want to join our party?"

"I'll make some room," Veronica nodded grabbing a pair of Logan's running shoes to toss across the small space; the shoes gave a resounding thud against the wall. Satisfied with herself she grabbed a pair of sandals and tossed them as well.

Wallace nodded with a tight smile sitting down next to Veronica, her body bent forward slightly as she slid her legs underneath and towards Mac. Wrapping an arm around her shoulder, he held her tightly, leaning in closely he kissed her lightly on the temple. He smiled warmly at Veronica who lifted her head to meet his gaze. "So, great crowd."

Shaking her head, Veronica simply smiled in return, Mac replied dryly, "Nothing like a death to get people out of their houses."

"Logan would be pissed you know," Veronica said suddenly staring across the room. "Said he didn't want anybody there that he didn't know, dad thought it would be nice to let others come and show their support. I didn't care, the person I wanted there was the dead one."

"Veronica," Wallace began.

"No, if I want to be pissed off today I will. I've earned that right today Wallace," Veronica nodded empathically, gripping Mac's hand tighter. He merely shrugged in return, knowing he wouldn't win this fight, especially with Mac and Veronica ganging up.

"Guys?" The loud male voice entering the room cut off their conversation. Dick poked his head through the small space between the door frame and the open door, "So, to avoid the crazy people down there you decide to hide in the closet." Before any of them realized, they were all laughing out loudly, when they managed to settle down Veronica had made a place for him next to Mac, Dick kissed his wife softly on the top of her head, Mac smiled in return. Grabbing another shoe, Veronica flung it as hard as she could, the thud wasn't as loud as she could have liked so she grabbed a pair of Logan's boots that were old, the thud was enough.

"I hate this day," Veronica said softly leaning against the wall, a sigh escaping her as she blew a whisper of hair out of her face. "It sucks."

Mac nodded her agreement, Wallace laughed softly to himself. "Sure does, if it wasn't for your husband, we could all be at the beach today."

Nodding, the tears well in her eyes, "Yeah, he's dumb." Wallace leaned back his face close to hers, she looked at him briefly, silently passing along the information that she didn't intend to be the typical widow. If she wanted to bash Logan for dying on her, she would. Except all she wanted was to crawl in to that casket with him.

"Mac? Wallace? Have you seen," Parker opened the closet door. "Veronica." Piz followed closely behind opening the door so that everyone could easily be seen, the closet that was becoming increasingly squished. "People want to pay their respects."

"Well I want my husband to not be dead," Veronica replied dryly, her expression blank. Cringing at her own words, she shrugged, "I'm sorry Parker. I just, I'm not really up to make nice talk. You guys have been wonderful, but really all I want is to sit in this damn closet and think about Logan." Everyone nodded their agreement; Parker relenting decided to join her friends with Piz following her. Making a small pile of shoes in the corner, every one was as comfortable as they were going to get in the closet. Veronica sighed softly to herself, the shoe throwing would have to wait for another day, if it had been anybody else in that casket, Logan would be sitting next to her throwing shoes.

"You know, it's funny, those people down there, I'm not even sure Logan knew who they were," Parker spoke quietly throwing a thumb over her shoulder. "That's the part of a funeral I always hated. And the person who died, all they want is everybody to remember who they used to be, not mourn the fact you're dead."

"I hate that those people down there, they don't know him," Mac spoke loudly looking around the room. "I mean, they didn't see him almost every day. You know, and I kind of hate him for leaving us."

"Yeah, you know," Piz spoke leaning against the piles of clothes near the door, "I know that the funeral is supposed to be about the family, but it would be nice once in awhile to say what you're really thinking."

"Like how much it sucks that Logan's gone?" Wallace asked with a wry smile. "And how much you really wish that people would stop saying their sorry. All you want is someone to just say, fuck him for dying."

"Yeah," Piz nodded in agreement, every one else nodding knowing exactly what they were saying.

"Hey, I think we should go around and say something that we hated about Logan," Dick said suddenly a smile on his face. Wallace gave him a warning look, "it's not like we all didn't love him, it's just. When I die I hope that people aren't going to sit around and think all I want to hear is stupid 'miss you' crap. Logan was real and I don't care what those people down there say, they didn't know, we know him."

"That's a great idea," Veronica smiled sitting up straighter. "Every one says one thing you hated about Logan." Hearing a groan from her left, she turned her head to look at her best friend, "Wallace, it's okay; I think deep down, I think Logan would love this idea." She nodded trying to make her point; finally Wallace relented throwing up his arm. "Dick should start, since it's his idea."

"Okay," he thought for a moment, "I always hated the fact that he always got all the chicks," grumbling softly, "And, the man had great hair." Mac leaned in closely, kissing him lightly on the cheek. A soft laughter circled the air as they all watched each other. He pointed towards Parker, "You're up."

"I hated that people never got a chance to know him, I mean the way we know him," Parker smiled biting her bottom lip. "And I really hate the fact that he could sometimes make you think that he didn't give a fuck." Shaking his head, Wallace smiled at her.

"I hated that he was kind of an ass sometimes," Wallace said suddenly, shrugging as everyone raised an eyebrow. "And you know, I hated the way he always did those stupid hand gestures when he talked." Veronica chuckled softly knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"I hate that he left, that he didn't say goodbye," Veronica said softly, gripping Mac's hand tighter. "I hate that I didn't get to tell him everything I wanted to before he was gone. I hate that my girls won't get to know their father, they won't get to have him kiss them every night. Or walk them down the aisle. I hate that he's gonna miss out on being a grandfather." The tears well in her eyes, but she was determined to not make every one cry with her. Pausing briefly, the playful grin on her face brightening her features, "And you know, I hate that I miss his stupid yellow x-terra."

"I hate that I never got to know him until college," Mac spoke a smile on her face. "And the fact he never bothered to learn how to work a computer and thought it was hilarious to call me a hundred times a day just to check his email."

"I use to hate the fact that he got the girl, even though I realized that she wasn't really mine to have," Piz smiled pulling up his legs to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. The silence filling the spaces between each of them, Veronica lifted her head with a small smile as Piz continued. "And I really hate that he won't get to do all the things I wish he could have."

Every one let out a breath, knowing that nobody would hold what they said against them. This was their way to show how much of Logan they cared about, how intricate and important he was to each of them. Parker broke the silence with a soft clap.

"Okay, we all said something we hated, what's something we loved about Logan," Parker smiled warmly, throwing out her arms. "Wallace you go first."

"I loved the way he married my best friend and made her very happy," Wallace spoke quietly, a tear sliding down his cheek. "And I loved that he was fearless," his voice breaking on the last word. Veronica lifted her head smiling at him. "I mean, the man wasn't afraid of anything, at least on the outside."

Mac spoke next, "I loved the fact that you could talk to him. About anything, even if it was something stupid like I hate the color of my hair, Logan cared about it because he cared about you. He had a great way of making you feel like you're the most important person in the world when you talked to him. He was always, always there when you needed someone." Dick pulled her closer, his other hand intertwined with her free hand. The tears slid slowly down her cheeks, she didn't bother to dry them.

Dick began softly, his words nearly above a whisper, "I loved that he even gave a damn about me. I loved that Logan never gave up on me, even when I was stupid and I pulled the dumbest crap. And I also loved the fact that he was always up for a trip to Mexico." He shrugged as Mac poked him in the side, causing everyone in the closet to laugh. It felt light and easy, almost like a relief that it was suddenly okay to be happy, even though everyone knew they were missing a very significant part.

Parker took a deep breath before speaking, "I loved that I always could laugh with him. I always felt kind of like an outsider in this group," she shrugged as the tears filled to the brim, threatening to fall, "But Logan, he never made me feel like that; he always made sure I was included. He was always a safe place, to talk, to yell to cry. Made me feel like I was worthy to be a part of us," she waved her arm around making sure every one knew she was talking about their group of friends.

Piz laughed slightly, staring at his shoes. "The thing about Logan, the thing that I always loved the most, he was a good person." Piz lifted his head to look directly at Veronica who nodded with a small smile. "If you were lucky enough to call him friend, he always had your back. Was always the first person to call if you needed help. Never held a grudge either, he truly lived by the motto, 'live and let go.' I'm gonna miss him, a lot more than I thought I would."

They were all silent soaking in the words, each agreeing with what the other said. Knowing every one felt the same about their friend. Logan Echolls was going to be missed, deeply. It was almost like the light of their group had dimmed the day he died. Every one turned to look at Veronica who had been listening closely to her friend's words. Taking a deep breath, she smiled warmly.

"I loved the way he smiled," Veronica began softly; every one soon became quiet listening closely, her words bringing tears to their eyes. "I loved the way he loved his friends." The tear fell slowly down her cheeks as she looked at each of them. "The way he kissed, the way he would hug me. I loved how great a father he was to Brennan, Kellen and Harper. I love the way when I look at those girls I feel like I'm seeing Logan every day. I especially love the way that he made everything we wanted come true." Wallace pulled her close to him, as the tears finally taking over. Dick pulled Mac in to a hug as tears fell from both of them. Parker, sitting next to Piz smiled through her tears as Piz pulled her in to a hug. Taking a deep breath, Veronica smiled brightly as the tears still fell steadily down, "What I loved, _love_, most about Logan is that I got to love him, even if it didn't last as long as we promised each other."

A cough behind the door broke them from the reverie, every one quickly wiping away their tears as the door pulled open slowly.

"Your daughters were looking for you," Keith smiled stepping out of the way so Kellen and Brennan were in view, every one smiled at the girls who were peaking behind their Grandpa's legs.

"Come here girls," Veronica waved her hand towards them a grin on her face. "Where's Harper?" She questioned her father who was sitting down in the doorway, leaning against the frame he looked over at his daughter, "She's taking a nap."

"Mommy," Kellen grinned as she made her way across the legs to sit down in her mom's lap. Brennan followed behind her sitting down on Mac's lap.

"So dad, what did you love most about Logan?" Veronica looked up from her daughter over to Keith.

"I loved the way he made you smile," Keith said instantly, a smile on his face. "I loved the way you made him smile." Veronica nodded, a tear sliding down her cheek which she quickly wiped away. Keith dropped his head slightly, allowing for the first time to grieve for his desperately missed son-in-law. Lifting his head quickly, Keith looked up with a bright smile, "and I also love the fact that Logan gave my daughter three unbelievably beautiful little girls."

"So girls, what do you love most about Daddy?" Veronica smiled kissing the top of her daughters head.

"I love that daddy was the best daddy in the whole world," Kellen clapped her hands together. "He always gave me kisses and hugs. He always tickled us and made us laugh. He was funny too. He told lots of jokes." She nodded with a grin, lifting her head to look at Veronica, who leaned down to kiss her lightly on the mouth. The little girl giggled using her hand to touch her mom's cheek.

"I love that daddy colored with me, that he brought home Hooch. And," Brennan took a breath, giggling as Dick tickled her side. "That he was our daddy," she yelled out with giggles as Dick pulled her off of Mac's lap and into his, tickling her sides. "Diiiiiiiiiick!' She screamed with laugher.

Veronica smiled looking around the group, her tight knit family that she had found, quite unexpectedly. There were going to be times when she'd want to be away from them, that she would want to be alone. But she knew that they'd always be there, they wouldn't give up on her. And despite the fact that losing Logan hurt, it was still going to be okay because he was still there, he was in the faces of her girls. He was in their hearts and he was etched in her soul. Her heart was complete, even in death; Logan was the best thing about her life. And she hadn't lied with she said that he had given them everything, he had given her everything. He had healed her heart, almost as if he touched her soul. Still even now, even after three daughters, ten years of marriage, and one funeral Logan Echolls knocked her socks off.

She was gonna be okay, she'd even try to be happy again, Logan would want that for her and she wanted to make him happy. When her time would come she'd be ready, Logan would be waiting. Looking around her room she still had plenty to hang on to, plenty to smile about. Today would be hard, but tomorrow will be a little less hard and she wasn't willing to look any further than she had to. Maybe funerals didn't have to be that sad after all.

**To all those that read this story, if you were offended by the way the group chose to 'honor' Logan I apologize. Each person grieves in their own way, my intention was not to make light of that fact, this was simply an expression of how much they knew him, how important he was to them that they felt safe to express certain 'hates' with each other. And if you look closely what they hated were really not flaws. **

**Finally, if my choice to have Veronica wish to crawl in the coffin with Logan was not my intention that she would commit suicide, in fact that would be the complete opposite. It's what my grandma said to my mom when my grandpa died, and it's the way I would imagine how I would feel if I lost someone I was that deeply in love with.**

**Thank you for every one who has been reading and commenting on my writing. I really appreciate all of the good remarks, they definitely make me feel like someone else enjoys what I'm saying as much as I do. This place has been a great way for me to be creative and improve my writing. Thank you again. **


	2. Author's Note

Just wanted to make a quick note saying how much I appreciate everyone's response to this particular story

Just wanted to make a quick note saying how much I appreciate everyone's response to this particular story. Although it's for a sad reason, I don't really see it as an angst fic. The choice to use 'hates' for a way to remember Logan was kind of strange, but in the end, I think we can all agree that we've felt a bit of irritation at the way some of the show was played out on TV, so what better way to express that, than in writing fan fiction!!

I don't see Veronica as a typical griever; she gets pissed off first and foremost. And in the end, Logan's death didn't have a mystery around it, so she kind of had to let him go.

I was reading this story the other day and the author put in little notes through out her story, I liked getting a chance to kind of get inside the head of the author, sometimes you read stories and you think, what the hell, there's no way Logan would say this, Veronica wouldn't act like that, I thought it would be kind of cool to explain some of the reasoning of how the story played out. Thought I'd try to answer a couple of questions and thoughts that were left.

First of all, yes, Logan is dead, as dead as anyone is ever gonna get. Why him? Simply because in the long run, I really felt that he tied everyone together. And I hate the dream sequence idea, he's gone and people have to deal with it, the guy can't live forever. I usually skim over stories that kill off a main character just because to me, Veronica and Logan belong together. So for me to write this was kind of unexpected.

How did he die? Never really had a method of killing in mind, thought of car accident or brain aneurysm. The whole thing was quick, hence the fact that Veronica never got to tell him some things and he never said goodbye. All in all, he was basically in the prime of his life and there you go…life slapped him in the face.

As for age, he was as old as he needed to be to be married to Veronica for 10 years and have three girls. I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess I would say in his thirties, at least that's how I imagined him looking.

The shoe idea, that was basically just thrown in there, why, because my entire walk in closet the floor is filled with shoes, and I'm imagining that they would have a big enough closet that had a lot of shoes, but still had a bit of room. I think it definitely explains Veronica's frustration over his death, the absurdity of the moment, of the day. It's her way of being pissed off. The emphasis on the sound, it was therapeutic really. I thought about having Dick mention something, but when every one came in, I didn't want her to explain why she was throwing shoes, we all knew why and in the end, I liked the idea that it was something that she would be doing with Logan, or might have done, it was their thing and for me, there are some things that should be reserved for certain people.

And she stopped throwing them, because I had pictures in my head of her smacking Piz in the face, so I decided for his sake she'd stop.

I was kind of leery on Veronica saying that Logan would love the idea of them roasting his ass, but in the end I decided to keep it in. I think he'd enjoy them all keeping Veronica's spirits up, but it's one of those things, do you really need to talk about how I kind of suck? Logan's cool though, he took it like a man.

Why a closet, seriously, a flash of Raising Helen popped in my head and I just, ran with the idea. It seemed fitting, also it was a great way for her to be in her house, but also hide.

Truthfully when I started writing this story I kind of just pictured Veronica and Dick sitting in the closet talking about him, but then I really liked the idea that Parker, Mac, Wallace, Veronica, Piz and Dick were a part of a family they created, a group of friends that were always there.

All the hates and loves of Logan were something that I noticed in the show, Wallace chose fearless because of the bet they made in the Sociology class and other things, the hates were easy, plus I can see him being kind of irritated at Logan waving his arms all the time when he talked. Plus it kind of irritated me.

Parker's were because of the way he made plans for that surfing trip without really consulting her, plus also his reaction to her parents. The fitting in part, Parker kind of always seemed like she was on the outside looking in with their group, and the personality of Logan just made it seem like he'd try to help each other fit in. Another side note, I'm not much of an F bomb thrower, but I figured because Wallace said it first it would be okay if Parker said it.

Piz's should have been fairly obvious, because Veronica chose Logan and because he got his ass kicked. But in the long run he understood that Logan just wanted to protect Veronica.

Dick's should have been pretty obvious as well, except for the hair, why that, I still don't know, just kind of threw it in there. If you notice Logan kind of had a lot of changing hair styles, so I kept it. And hell, why wouldn't you always be up for a trip to Mexico?!

Mac's choices were a little more of my kind of hope for them, Logan getting her help with the computer came because of her helping with his project in Season 3. But eventually I can see those two creating a pretty close bond.

Veronica's were a little difficult, only because we never really got to know her on the show, she was kind of one dimensional, but of course when you're kind of hanging on to keep the show alive you really don't have the luxury of digging real deep for certain feelings. All of these were based on a mixture of how people have written their stories about Logan and Veronica. And truthfully I don't see either of them all kinds of F'd up. I think each were in that stage of uncertainty and with so much in their lives happening, it's hard to create a truly strong foundation and really, they hurt each other left and right so yeah, I can imagine that they'd have a hard time making things work. Eventually they grew up, each realized that they loved the other for who they were, not how they made them feel. And in the end, Logan was the type of person that you would take a very big leap of faith for.

Keith was easy, in the end he knew how much L and V were hurt when they were young, it's nice to see someone smile at somebody they love and watch how their eyes light up. Sappy I know and I really, really, really like the idea that Keith and Logan put aside their differences and created a real relationship. Keith loved Logan like a son, and Logan basically worshiped the ground Keith walked on. They taught each other a lot so that connection would still be there.

And the girls, oh the girls I love them. They're my favorite part of this story, I've always pictured Logan only making girls, Brennan being the oldest at 8, Kellen 5 and I was going with Harper being two, and because she wouldn't really understand any of it, I had her take a nap. By the way, Hooch is a dog, I'm sure you figured it was a pet of some sort. In my head Logan and Veronica had three girls, two dogs and a small but comfortable house. My example of what kind of father Logan was is pretty much entirely based on my own dad. I see him as a very hands on, get down, play in the dirt, dress up kind of dad.

I like the way Dick would tickle Brennan, in my head he kind of steps up and really gives those girls a piece of their dad they won't get, who they won't get to know. And I had it in my head, in the movie again Raising Helen, the mom that died wanted to give her children a piece of her. Of course Keith and Wallace would be a part of their lives, but to me Dick kind of resembles Logan and I think that Veronica would have gotten past their old issues, honestly when I look at to the future of this story I could see the girls choosing to have Dick walk them down the aisle. I know it sounds morbid, and why I thought about it was because my sister and I talked about once that if our dad ever died who we would have us walk down the aisle it would be his best friend, the person that made him laugh the most.

Why I chose to have Mac and Dick married, simply because I like them together. They're cute, trust me, if you think about it for awhile, you'll agree.

Probably my second favorite thing that I liked was the way everyone didn't sugar coat for Veronica, it sucks, losing someone sucks and each person understood that because they felt it. And in the end, Logan would want Veronica to be happy, he'd hate that she was sad. I wrote something for a story I had been working on, Parker was married to this guy Ryan and they thought he would have died. For me, it definitely signifies how Logan would react to Veronica giving up.

"_I love him Veronica. I love him the only way I can, completely, without condition. He's my heart. And if he's gone, if his heart doesn't beat anymore, I'm not sure that mine will ever beat as hard as it once did. But some how, I have to wake up the next day. I have a child; I have a life that Ryan helped me build. It would do him no justice to die with him. He'd be the first person to whisper in my ear, we've got a lot of work to do sweetheart, I love you, and some how we have to make this work."_

For every one who has read and commented on this story, you have no idea how big of grin I had on my face. Seriously, I cannot stop thinking of how great it was that not only did you like my story, but you connected with it. You saw it for it was, simply a love story between friends.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, hope it was worth a read, if not, well, I'll try harder I guess.


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